As a parent, knowing what to not to say when your teen is facing disappointment can be challenging. Especially when we can see that there were different choices that could have been made that may have avoided or lessened the outcome. When your teen is deeply invested in a creative art, and is putting themselves out there, stepping into vulnerability and taking chances, the pain of disappointment can be visceral.
Because our kids often feel like an extension of ourselves, this can be a tough thing to witness, and we often want to fill the space with words in the hope that we can show them a way out of the pain, a way to avoid the same outcome in the future or just a distraction.
How Not to Respond When your Teen is Feeling Disappointment
Here are a few examples of what not to say when your teen comes to you after a failure related to their art, no matter how tempting it may be in the moment
“At least you didn’t X” or “At least you did X.”
Example:
Your teens school is putting on their all time favorite musical. They have been excited for months, ever since the schedule of musicals for the year was announced.This is their dream musical and the lead character is their lead role.
You had concerns, including, your teens “type” is not the same as the lead in this show. You had a feeling your teen would be a much better fit for a different, but not lead, principle character. You tried to gently communicate this to your teen
They responded by ripping your head off and telling you that they had been “preparing” for this role ever since they saw the musical at age eight and that the director would see they knew every nuance of the character. They would not be denied this opportunity.
And as you suspected, they were denied. They are cast in the role you knew as a better fit. They are very unhappy.
This is not the time to say:
At least you weren’t cast in a minor role – it’s still a principal role!
Or…
At least you have the funniest song in the show!
This is failure to connect with empathy, which would involve sitting with your teen in their emotions as opposed to trying to talk them out of them.
I guess _________ just isn’t really your thing.
“I guess romantic leads aren’t really your thing.”
Ouch. This is an example of a fixed mindset – on your part! Just because it’s not their thing yet, doesn’t mean that continuing to work towards this goal. It’s hurtful and damaging to shut down their hopes and dreams and willingness to take chances and push themselves to new heights. Just don’t do it, even if your intention is to try to direct them away from potential disappointment in the future.
Next time you’ll need to prepare better.
“Next time you’ll need to practice more.”
“Next time you’ll need to get more dance help.”
“Next time you’ll need to work with an acting coach.”
Though all of these may be true, they are not helpful in this moment. It’s unlikely that your teen went in completely unprepared. They likely tried to prepare as much as they thought they needed to and this is a big lesson in what that really looks like. The results have already shown them that the way they went about preparing didn’t achieve their goal. By focusing on this in the moment, you are telling them you are not interested in their emotions in this moment – and will make it less likely they will share them with you in the future.
“You should have listened to my advice.”
“I told you to try out for a different part.”
“I warned you the dancing for the lead part would be tough and you should have taken lessons.”
Well, yes, chances are they may have had a different outcome, or at least less disappointment had they listened to your advice. But, ouch, this is not the moment for a watered down version of “I told you so.”
They are fully aware that you were right, and likely already secretly harbor regret for this choice. Rubbing it in only pushes them away and fuels their frustration. Let them process their own unmet expectations without reminding them you, with your exponential years of experience, knew their plan was flawed.
“It’s not the end of the world.”
“There will be other plays.”
“I don’t understand why you can’t get over this, it’s not that big of a deal.”
Yes, you have the experience to understand that in the grand scheme of things, this is a small moment in time. But that does not negate your teens emotional response.
When parents say this, they rarely intend for it to sound as harsh as it is experienced by your teen. You may say it in the hope to get them to move on, to gain perspective and to minimize the impact of the hurt. But it’s the opposite of a nurturing response. And has the potential to be damaging if your teen begins to question their own emotional state, and begins to filter their response to fit the expectations of others.
How to Respond to Your Teens Disappointment
Listen Without Judgment
Remind yourself that there is no right or wrong where emotions are concerned. They are just our feelings. Your teen is hurting and needs you to listen and accept their emotional response.
This may look as simple as just sitting with them while they vent, or cry, or curl up in a ball. And that is fine – they will remember you being there with them in their pain.
Acknowledge Their Disappointment
Validating your teens’ emotional experience is a form of empathy that will go far in them feeling like you are really listening and understanding them. Responding with “ I know you are disappointed. I would feel disappointed too” will let them feel you accept and respect their pain and are available to support them.
If you have a brief example of when you felt the same type of disappointment, feel them out to see if they find it helpful to hear that you truly understand what they are going through.
Help Them Figure Out Ways to Cope
When they are ready, circle back to the disappointment and help your teen brainstorm ways to cope with the unmet expectations and strategies to try to minimize similar situations in the future.
This does not mean solving the problem for them or rescuing them from the situation. The learning and growth come from your teens ability to reflect back on the experience and coming up with ways to manage in the future. There will always be disappointments in life, but how you recover is where resilience is built. Saying, “I know this stung. How do you plan to move forward? Have you thought about your next move?” can start a conversation that encourages them to share and work through their thoughts, or brainstorm ideas with you as a sounding board.
Praise Their Resilience.
Once the situation has had a chance to settle, notice how your teen has managed. Look for the places where they showed grace, acceptance and resilience and praise these efforts.
This may be small things at first, “I know it was hard to act happy for the lead. I’m impressed with how you went in and kept a smile on your face as everyone congratulated them.” Down the line, with this type of support it may become grow. “I’m so proud of you for helping the lead with that section they were struggling with. That shows such maturity and a great sense of community.”
By avoiding the five things not to say when your teen is facing disappointment and remembering healthy ways to respond, you are ensuring your teen will turn to you as a trusted source of support during challenging times.
