Hi Dr. Alaina – I need some help. My son has had a really rough year. He’s into videography – not just YouTube stuff but more like filmmaking. I’m a single mom and I just never had a lot of extra money to spend on training or equipment. His grandparents got him a newer iPhone to make videos and he was pretty resourceful on finding information about editing and composition. He was really excited to move into high school where he’d be able to get his hand on some real cameras and editing software.
He really thought it’d be a great thing for him and that he’d do really well. But his film teacher – I don’t know – maybe he didn’t like him? My kid is pretty headstrong about his ideas so I can see where he may not have been the best about listening. But it wasn’t just that. His teacher gave him kind of lukewarm feedback on both of his semester projects. My son was really upset the first time, but then by the second semester said he didn’t care what the teacher liked and didn’t like and said as long as he passed he didn’t care what his grade was.
The next year he entered a few filmmaking competitions on his own and didn’t do well. One in particular gave him what I think is really harsh feedback. He was really upset and didn’t even really read what they said past the first few lines. Then his friend asked for help making a short music video and in the end the friend wound up remaking it with another student. My son was crushed because he thought it had turned out well.
When he finally felt he could ask his friend why his friend said he felt like my son didn’t really listen to what he wanted. Which, like I said, my kid can be headstrong – so I can kind of see.
Now I can see he’s losing some of his confidence – and instead of listening to feedback he seems to be withdrawing. He still says he wants to be a filmmaker.
My question is – how do I get my kid to listen to and learn from negative feedback instead of ignoring it or getting discouraged? I keep telling him it’s part of life and if he’s going to keep pursuing this he’s going to have to not only be able to hear it but not let it discourage him.
As parents, we want to see our teenagers thrive – and if they are passionate about a creative art, we want to see their experience in that art bring them nothing but joy. We work to support their efforts and growth, especially when they may feel discouraged.
Of course, getting some negative feedback from teachers, peers, or mentors along the way is inevitable. No one is going to jump into an art and have no room to improve. You are right to want to encourage your son to be able to receive feedback as it’s an essential part of growth and development both in his art and in life in general.
Negative feedback can be challenging for anyone to receive, but it can be especially hard for teens to handle. They are still figuring out their identity, and may sometimes confuse negative feedback about something they are learning or doing with negative feedback about who they are.
As parents, we can play a crucial role in our teens and tweens learning to manage negative feedback. Here are some suggestions on encouraging them to embrace feedback as a tool to guide growth.
Encourage Open Communication
Creating a safe space for open communication is key to helping our teens manage negative feedback effectively. Encourage your teenager to express their feelings and concerns without judgment. Listen actively and validate their emotions, letting them know it’s okay to feel disappointed or upset. Sometimes, when teens appear headstrong about receiving feedback, they are actually responding to a fear that their point of view won’t be considered or valued.
Teach the Power of Perspective
Negative feedback usually feels bad, but it’s important for your teen to understand that it doesn’t define their worth or abilities. Just because someone doesn’t understand, like or appreciate the work they’ve done in their art does not negate its value. Help them gain perspective by discussing the feedback in a broader context. Ask them to reflect on examples of times they didn’t like something someone else presented or created in their art of choice. Encourage them to reflect on this and remind them that their dislike of the art is not a personal attack on the artist, but rather a difference of preference. Suggest they embrace this as an opportunity to learn more about other perspectives which in turn can help them make their own bold choices with confidence about what they want to create.
Foster a Growth Mindset
A growth mindset is a belief that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. Teach your teen to adopt this mindset by emphasizing effort, resilience, and perseverance. Help them understand that setbacks and criticism are stepping stones to improvement. Encourage them to consider negative feedback as a roadmap on how to improve their skill set in the future.
Provide Constructive Feedback at Home
As parents, we can model to receive feedback constructively by providing our teens with gentle, but honest feedback at home. When offering feedback, focus on specific behaviors rather than personal traits. Be mindful of your tone and approach, ensuring that it is supportive and encouraging. Although your teen may occasionally react as if this is a personal attack, remind them that no one is more in their corner than you, and your goal is to help them advance and find joy in their art. The experience of constructive feedback from a place of love can assist your teen in learning how to separate criticism from personal attacks.
Model Effective Coping Strategies
Help your teen develop healthy coping strategies to manage negative feedback by modeling them yourself. Share stories of when you have received challenging feedback and how you managed your emotions and utilized it to improve your skill set. . Let them know that even when the feedback has stung, you found ways to step back and evaluate the feedback objectively. Give them examples from your own life of how you learned to differentiate between constructive criticism and baseless negativity.
Encourage Seeking Support
Remind your teenager that if they are having a hard time managing their feelings around negative feedback, seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a strength. Encourage them to reach out to teachers, mentors, or peers for clarification or further guidance on the feedback they received. If necessary, involve the school counselor or a trusted adult who can offer additional support and guidance. With their art, seeking a second opinion from a trusted source can help clarify the validity of the feedback and how to best use the feedback to their advantage in the future.
Help Develop Resilience
Resilience is a vital skill for handling negative feedback effectively both within your teens art and in life in general. Encourage your teen to develop resilience by setting realistic expectations, promoting self-care, and encouraging them to be willing to risk failure both inside and outside of their art. Celebrate their successes and remind them that setbacks are a natural part of the learning process.
Model Positive Self-Talk and Mindset
As parents, we can have a powerful impact on our teens’ mindset. Model positive self-talk and a growth mindset when facing challenges or receiving criticism – especially in activities that your teen or tween knows you value. By doing so, you demonstrate that negative feedback can be used as a tool for growth and improvement.
Your desire to help your son learn to manage negative feedback will serve him well as he continues his exploration and development of his skills. Learning to accept, process, and act upon feedback early on prepares teens for the demands of the professional world, where continuous improvement is valued. Let your son know that learning to manage negative feedback equips teenagers with important life skills that contribute to personal growth, emotional intelligence, social interactions, resilience, and future success in both personal and professional domains.
