How similar are you and your teen in personality?
Are you a so-called Type A “no-nonsense let’s get it done as soon as possible” type who somehow, with some clear cosmic nod to humor, was given a Type B “meh, we have time, why stress it’ll be good enough” offspring?
I feel your pain.
There are times I look at one of my boys (ahem, cough, cough, hello middle child) and I seriously question how the heck he gets things done.
Because stressing about logistics is just not a thing for him.
When our kids have a totally different approach to life than us it can be challenging.
As in finding yourself wanting to scream “How can you possibly think that is a helpful way to move forward can you PLEASE stop doing that” type of challenge.
And to be clear, this goes both directions – the fireworks generated by a mismatched parent-teen pair is equal opportunity.
If you are a more laid back Type B, you may find yourself hiding from your “I will feel better if we explore everything that may go both right and wrong and have a plan for each scenario” Type A kid as they want to spend hours on what feels like unnecessary over-analyzing upcoming events.
With summer bringing a little more flexibility, a few less responsibilities and more time it would seem as though summer would take the pressure off and allow Type A and Type B mismatches to retreat into their respective corners and enjoy some breathing room.
Both can look at the calendar and think “whew, ok, there is more room to make up for anything that isn’t getting done right away.”
Yet, counterintuitive as it may seem, between parenting, consulting and therapy duties, I have found for many families summer brings these differences to a head. The lack of so much external pressure, accountability and commitments tends to elicit different expectations and desired use of the ‘“free” time between these two.
The Type A is thinking “Great! We can knock out all of the things that got pushed aside during the school year. Extra-skill building, organizing, making a better plan for next school year. Whew. I’m so glad we can finally address all of this.”
This is while the Type B is all “Great! We can finally back off of all of the school year pressure to get everything done. Less focus on skill-building, no pressure to manage the clutter all of the time and I can finally stop thinking about school for a bit.”
A recipe for mismatched disaster.
If you find yourself looking at your kid and thinking “where the heck did you come from?” as you scratch your head at their rejection of your agenda (whether it’s get things done or team let’s take a break) learning to take a step back and remind yourself “this is what makes them feel less stressed” is essential.
And harder than it sounds.
Because we tend to project our own emotional responses onto others and feel that if they would just really try it our way they would find that we are correct – it’s so much better our way.
But it’s simply not true. We are who we are and we are all happier when we are less stressed.
I know how challenging it is not to want to change the other person. I understand because as I sit here and I wonder “did my kid make his lunch for camp today and pack up his performance outfit per our conversation last night?
In my heart I know fully well the chances are low. I know I will shortly head up to double check that he set his alarm, and will find that he has but he is still lying in bed because in his world he has plenty of time to get ready before we leave. I know his only stress about this is how stressed I am as I look at the clock and worry about getting out the door on time.
I know I can fight to change his approach but it only leaves us both even more frustrated. I will do my best to limit my nagging as it is a game of diminishing returns and will send him into his day at vocal boot camp (his happy place) feeling stressed and taking a little bit of his joy for the day. I know that even if he does not seem pressed to get moving, he sincerely wants to arrive on time because he loves performing and being with his people.
His internal alarm clock is much different than mine, and while mine is going off now, his won’t until what I consider crunch time when he will commence to run around throwing a sandwich together, sprinting up and down the stairs as he remembers additional needs for his performance outfit (“oh wait mom, I need to grab different socks”). He will finally run out to open the door to the car where I have been impatiently waiting only to throw his things in the back seat and say “Ugh, I forgot my water bottle. Hold on a minute.” and run back in the house.
Yet while I may be gripping the steering wheel in frustration thinking “this was completely avoidable had you packed up last night like I asked and actually gotten out of bed when your alarm went off” he will jump in the car and his next emotional state will be influenced by my ability to accept how he is wired.
I can (and oh yes, I fully admit I have at times and let’s be honest, likely will slip again in the future when I hit my breaking point) lecture him on the ridiculousness of this last minute madness and ask him to please plan better. Making me feel better and discharging my stress about his approach onto him. Which only serves to leave him feeling anxious, unhappy, and possibly even inadequate or flawed.
Or I can take a deep breath (ok, maybe several) and turn and ask him if he is excited for this afternoon’s performance.
I know him well enough to know that if I do he will happily chatter away – unstressed by all of the previous running around or the increasingly red lines on the GPS map into the city – telling me about his songs, his campmates, his instructors, funny stories he forgot to tell me yesterday. He will go into his day feeling relaxed and positive.
It takes practice and sometimes great patience, but sitting and being present without judgment is part of what makes our teens feel less stressed, seen, heard and accepted as they are. Understanding what your teen considers helpful structure and support is key to helping the succeed. It is a gift we can give them to build their confidence and decrease anxiety. And builds their sense of connection with us.
Keep your eye on the prize and avoid lighting the fireworks fuse when you want to scream from the conflicting approach to life. Because no matter how different our methods to life, all we really want is to be able to feel confident and emotionally prepared to enjoy what life throws at us. No matter how we are wired to traverse getting there.
