For tweens and teens in the performing arts, auditions are a central part of their experience. Sometimes, things go great, and they get exactly what they hoped for. But it is also inevitable that the time will come when your teen has a bad audition.
When this happens, disappointment, sadness, or frustration will often ensue. As much as we, as parents, have a hard time watching our kids when they want something and it doesn’t work out, trying to make them feel better, downplaying the importance, or telling them the outcome was unfair does not serve our kids in the long run. Learning to manage mistakes on stage is an important part of being in the performing arts.
Here are seven things to do when your teen doesn’t have a successful audition.
Avoid Overreacting
While both you and your teen may not be happy with the outcome, let your teen know you are proud of them for trying. It can be easy to want to react with intensity to the news, but for your teen to keep things in perspective, model this.
This doesn’t mean overcorrecting and minimizing their experience, but it does mean keeping perspective in your own mind. One (or several) unsuccessful auditions don’t define who they are, how much potential they may have with training, or imply they won’t go on to have success in the future.
Practice Active Listening
Listen to your teen talk about their feelings with unconditional love, support, and empathy. Now is not the time to offer feedback about their preparation (or lack thereof), the appropriateness of their choice of song or dance, or if you feel the results were unfair.
Allow your teen to vent, complain, lament, disagree, express regret, concern, sadness, frustration, disappointment, or whatever other emotional reaction they are experiencing. Offer empathy for all of their emotions. Non-verbal communication is fine, especially if no words come to mind. Offer a hug or arm rub, nod in agreement, and make eye contact to let them know you are with them in their emotional state.
Don’t Paint Them as a Victim
Not having a successful audition does not imply some type of negative judgment about them. There are many reasons ensembles of any sort are put together. One of the most important issues is the balance of the ensemble as a whole.
No matter what the audition is for, there are many factors that go into the process of deciding who is chosen during the process. Some of the factors when it comes to placement may include not just objective skill sets but the ability to learn quickly, directability, organizational skills, how many years of experience one has, and how open they are to working with others.
When your teen comes to you upset because the audition did not go the way they’d hoped or the result was disappointing, it can be easy to try to blame factors that paint them as a victim. In reality, they have to learn that part of auditioning will include not always getting the outcome they had hoped for. They will also need to accept that they may not always be one of the best in the room. This does not mean they will never be; instead, it’s an opportunity to have an honest look at where they may have room to improve and focus on developing those skills.
Give Them Time
We all have moments when we need time and space to regroup. If your teen is having a negative reaction, remind yourself (and them) that this is normal when we are facing disappointment. Allow your teen some time to have whatever reaction they want to express at the time (as long as it’s not addressed at attacking someone directly, of course). Let them cry, pout, be angry or frustrated, be jealous of others who had a more successful experience, or even threaten to quit. They need a safe space to feel all of the feelings without judgment. Engage in those active listening skills and sit with them in it.
After a few days, if you don’t see any shift into a more neutral or positive mindset, start some conversations about what they may have learned from the experience. What went well? What went wrong? What would they do differently in the future? How can they work on those things now?
Offer Encouragement
When they are ready to hear it, or at least not in a place to outright reject it, offer your teen encouragement for moving forward. Remind them that one failure (or maybe several) does not define them as a failure. Point out progress they’ve made in other areas of their art. They may seem to reject the information with an “Oh, mom, you don’t get it,” yet they do hear you.
A reminder of “Okay. So this audition didn’t go how you’d hoped. But your instructor has said you are making tremendous progress, and you did have a better outcome for a different audition before this” can go far to soothe the distressing feelings that come after failure.
Remind them of other areas in their life where they are finding success, even if they aren’t the areas they are focused on. Sometimes, when things come easily, we take our skills in that area for granted. Help them focus on the area they are doing well in that others may struggle with. They may take their 5 on the AP Chemistry exam for granted, but someone else may have worked incredibly hard and received a 2.
Share stories of times others have failed and were able to overcome it and go on to bigger and better things. A quick Google search will yield examples from every creative art out there. Remember that empathy comes from truly relating to someone’s emotional state. Offer an example of a time you failed – and how you moved on. Let them know you have complete faith that they will ultimately emerge stronger from this experience.
Focus on the Positive
Failure is a necessary part of success. It’s also inevitable. After the initial sting has passed, talk to your teen about what lessons can come from this failure and how to flip them into a positive.
Is there a skill that needs some work that they noticed? Great. Make a plan to address that. The same goes for a skill that they may not have even been aware that they needed. Did they notice a skill that wasn’t necessary but made someone else stand out? That may be another avenue to pursue to help them stand out.
If your teen can identify an opportunity in the process that they might be able to fill, encourage them to consider doing so. Tons of clarinet players auditioning but only a few saxophones? Consider picking up the saxophone to increase what you can contribute to the band. Only three ensemble actors know how to tap? Look into tap lessons to add to the resume. Remind them that sometimes trying something related, but different, can actually improve skills across the board.
Celebrate Their Friends’ Wins
If the audition was at school, with a program or studio they have participated in for years, chances are your teen has friends or acquaintances who were also auditioning.
It can be hard to watch others get the spot they had hoped for. It can be an especially hard blow if they see it go to someone who may have started later than them or who may often receive accolades in their art of choice.
Jealousy and envy may come up, and these are normal reactions to disappointment. It can be hard to feel happy for someone else when you are feeling sad and disappointed for yourself. Yet, this is a great time to practice the skill of managing the discomfort of mixed emotions. This is something that will come up again and again in their art (and other areas of life as well), but by learning to deal with this gracefully will allow your teen to reach higher levels of success in their art. And to feel better about themselves and others in the process.
Help your teen embrace the idea that the success of others in no way diminishes their success or potential in their art. Remind them that success is not a finite concept, where it will “run out” and be no more to go around down the line. Focus on the things your teen excels in, the current and future opportunities to keep growing, and celebrate their friends’ excitement and be sincerely happy for them.
Conclusion
When your teen has a bad audition, it can be easy to want to jump in and try to lessen the pain. Yet, learning to manage the disappointment and use this as information to continue to develop their skill set is a necessary part of a successful relationship with their art. These seven things you can do to support your teen will help them move past the experience and use it to develop a growth mindset when things don’t go the way they hope in life.
