Fear is the big bad wolf of emotions for most creative teens. It huffs and puffs and blows their dreams down if they don’t manage it well. Learning to move through fear by building a house of strategic “bricks” can help keep it at bay.
At some point, we will all face fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being caught up in fear. Fear originates in the deepest, most primitive parts of our brains, making it a universal experience. It is there to protect us – but often fear overestimates the threat at hand. Even when the task at hand is deeply desired. For teens, who are still learning to build an internal protective shelter, this can be a frustrating, demoralizing experience.
Helping teens manage fear better can help them not only achieve their current goals but inspire them to set larger ones. The foundation for managing fear can be built in many ways. When I am working with teens there are seven questions and concepts I ask them to explore to begin managing fear.
Is This Real?
When fear creeps in, one of the first things you should do is ask your teen to take a deep breath and ask themselves, “Is this real?” Meaning, is this threat truly as intense as their initial reaction feels?
Ask teens what the facts of the situation are – not the emotion. If they do poorly during competition, will it truly derail any chance of continuing to pursue their passion? Or is it one moment in time, one metric, and one piece of information in a much larger pool of evidence?
When teens can take that moment to step away and objectively look at the event for what it is. It may not alleviate fear, but it often reduces it by putting things in context. Yes, of course, they want to do well, but if they do not, there will be other opportunities and avenues to do what they love.
Why Does This Matter To You?
After the objective analysis, ask your teen to examine “why does this matter to you?” What is leading them to experience a disproportionate fear response to the event in question? Is the event related to an experience where they will have time with their friends and they are fearful of missing out? Does it create an obvious pathway to something larger? Do they feel this event is a one-time opportunity? Are they worried they will feel embarrassed or shame if things do not go well?
Teens can better address and combat fear by learning what triggers it.
Tune Into Your Body
Fear is a primitive brain response designed to keep you alive. It’s important to tune into your body when fear is present. Teach your teen to recognize this as the reason fear can sometimes take over their body physically even when they do not want it to intellectually. Identifying where fear typically shows up in their own body in advance can help your teen prepare in advance.
Knowing where in our body we are most likely to have a physiological response allows us to practice managing that response. If your teen knows that fear causes their legs to shake, they can set themselves up to be positioned with their weight evenly spread on both feet. Or if they know they get headaches before an event that causes them fear, they can both learn physiological methods such as acupuncture as well as explore preventative medications. Learning to move through fear is easier when the physical symptoms are being managed.
Watch Your Thoughts
That inner dialogue we have with ourselves matters. Teaching your teen about Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT’s) can help them see how they may be priming themselves to feel fear before an event has even occurred. ANT’s are the negative interpretations we have of what we are doing, what we may do wrong, or what we believe is happening to us.
When our ANT’s are focused around performance of a task, it can induce a fear response. Fear of failure, disappointment, or shame. Learning to be aware of ANT’s and counteracting them with positive counterparts is one way to help your teen manage fear.
Make New Mental Associations
Once ANT’s are being addressed, your teen will be better able to make new mental associations. Instead of equating performing to potential failure, they will be able to connect performing to past successes. By focusing on past positive outcomes, they can begin to envision and mentally connect with how it felt to be successful. This can breed optimism and impact their response to situations to a more positive and calm one. If practiced enough, this can become a reflexive habit when while they are learning to move through fear.
How Can You Create a Sense of Safety?
Fear and safety cannot inhabit the same space. By creating a sense of safety, we eliminate the fear response. Ask your teen, where do they feel safe that is accessible in real life? At home on the couch with family? With certain friends? At night in their bedroom? Or what are other memories of safety that they can focus on such as at a special celebratory dinner or a favorite vacation.
Talk to your teen about using these safe places or memories to help them keep fear at bay. Seeking their physical safe place when possible and using their imagination to visualize or think about their safe place.
Just Breathe
When fear is triggered our brain prepares us to survive a life-threatening event. Our blood pressure and heart rate increase. Breathing becomes more rapid and our muscles tense.
Consciously slowing your breathing by taking three long, slow, deep breaths can help counteract this physiological response. Encourage your teen to tune into their body and notice how they feel after the three deep breaths. Tell them to pay attention to where they are feeling tension in their body and to quickly tense these muscles even more, but then to release them. Repeat this three times.
Take another slow deep breath, and then relax the shoulders and jaw. If in a place where closing their eyes is possible, do so and slowly count to ten. All of these actions signal the brain that there is nothing to fear and encourages the brain to tell the body to calm down.
Conclusion
When fear is the big bad wolf in your creative teen’s world, these are a few of the strategies that can help counteract the undermining impact. Encourage your teen to start with the ones that resonate with them the most, then slowly add the other techniques into their house of bricks against fear.
Learning to move through fear in the moment can open up new levels of skill-building, opportunities, and progress for your teen. Teaching teens how to deal with fear can help them achieve their goals as well as set even bigger ones. By employing these strategies, teens can build resilience against fear and pursue their passions with confidence. It’s a gradual process, but with perseverance and practice, they can overcome fear’s grip and unlock their full potential.
