The push and pull of parenting teens in the performing arts. can sometimes feel constant. How many times have you received that text? The one where your teen is frantic because, despite your repeated reminders, they have forgotten something essential for today’s performance and are begging you to drop it off. While you may be thinking, “No, I warned them I would not continue to rescue them from their bad planning,” there is also a part of you thinking, “They’ve worked so hard for this, what’s the harm in bringing it?”
Or maybe it’s the emotional tug-of-war that happens when your teen is so busy with lessons, rehearsals, schoolwork, practicing, and hanging out with friends that you barely see them—let alone connect with them the way you did when they were younger. But when they do slow down enough to engage, it’s typically because they need or want something. Suddenly, the younger version of your teen shows up—the one who seeks your advice, shares their current struggles, and seeks comfort from their distress.
Until their friend texts and—poof—they are gone again, lured by the siren call of peer connection and independence.
It can be a confusing and stressful time for both of you. Though the job of the teenage years is to pull away and establish their own identity, there will still be moments when they run back to you, seeking the comfort of their old identity where you are the wise source of guidance. Recognizing they are still in need of some of the structure and support you provided in their younger years.
Though it can be tempting to protect yourself from potential feelings of rejection and hold yourself at bay, this tactic not only leaves your teen adrift—not sure where to turn when they are truly lost—but also comes with a cost to you as a parent. Even though the moments when they come back and seek connection may be few and far between, it’s these moments that are seared in your teen’s memory forever. Those moments when they felt truly lost and confused, they were able to find stable footing in your love and support. Footing that allows them to take off again—as they are developmentally driven to do.
The dance can feel even more confounding when our teens ask for our advice—only to soundly reject it. We feel a sense of connection as they approach us for advice on which private lesson instructor they should work with as they transition into the advanced program. You are thrilled that they are including you in the decision, as you have—without being previously asked—researched the options and have definite opinions. Your teen seems interested in your input, discusses the pros and cons, and appears to agree with your preference—the perfect instructor to meet the goals you worked out together.
Then weeks later, when you receive their schedule, you see that they have chosen the other instructor. The one you both agreed was not the best fit. The one that is far less aligned with the goals you set as a team. When you ask, “Why the change? I thought we agreed,” you get a flippant, “Oh, I talked to my friends. No one likes that teacher—she’s not really friendly. Everyone agreed the best teacher is the other one, so I’m going with him. He’s a lot easier.”
You may want to challenge them—picking the “easiest” teacher over the “more aligned” teacher is a bad choice. It’s the wrong choice. It makes no sense given their goals. But you also know doing so will only make them dig in deeper, pull away, and be less likely to ask for your opinion at all in the future.
The push and pull of parenting teens can leave us confused and frustrated. How do we remain connected, have influence, and feel involved in their world? The answer is a hard one—we can only do so much, but the rest should be up to them. We must make ourselves available—a safe place to land—but we must also allow them to decide when and how they avail themselves of our support. Because the only way for them to learn to make decisions, weather big challenges, and manage failure, is to allow them the freedom to do so.
It’s scary. It’s hard. But it is also the only way for them to learn to trust their own judgment and have the confidence to set and reach their goals.
Being there for them with information, education, experience, and insight when they are ready to access it is key. Allowing them the freedom to choose how to utilize it is essential. When we control if and how they implement the advice, it is instantly less valuable. Though this may result in what you want, it is short-changing them in the long run.
As painful as it may be to watch, they will have actually learned a lesson. If you jump in and try to pull them towards your way of thinking, or insist they change direction to avoid a negative outcome, they will experience you as being paranoid, not understanding, controlling, or just annoying. And they are more likely to believe the negative outcome would not have, in fact, occurred.
Which encourages them to push you away the next time they want to process a decision with someone.
Whereas if you can stay quiet and appreciate that they even considered consulting you, it’s far more likely they will seek you out and consider your input—pulling you back in. Learning to sit and listen to what they are sharing without judgment is key to continued connection.
This time when they pull you back in, they will have experienced the outcome of pushing away your advice. Lessons will have been learned, and because they were allowed to pave their own path, these are lessons that will stick. If it was a painful lesson, they will be less likely to repeat the same actions that got them there.
Navigating the push and pull of parenting teens in the performing arts may feel daunting at times. But if you can remain a constant—the lighthouse they can look for when they need help—you will reap the rewards as they move into young adulthood. The push and pull evening out into a steady, trusted connection where your wisdom, support, and unwavering love are appreciated and celebrated.
