I’m so frustrated and angry. After having a very rational and logical conversation with us, my daughter begged me and my husband to stop checking on her grades weekly and to let her handle it. Well, we made a big mistake and listened to her.
We just got her grades and not only were they down in all subjects but she FAILED math for the quarter – leaving her with a D for the semester.
What was she doing instead of school? Drums. Drums all of the time. She plays in multiple bands, she plays for our church, she gives lessons to a few kids in the neighborhood.
We told her we were worried it was taking up too much of her time, but she said she knew what she was doing. Now it’s clear she does not.
How do we get her to understand that she has to prioritize her academics over her music? We are supportive of her music, we pay for her lessons, her kit, her sticks, and drive her where she needs to be. But it’s going to have to stop if she continues to do this. What should we do?
Of course as their parent you want your teen to excel both academically and in their extracurricular activities, but it can become alarming if they are not finding a balance between academics and creative arts and you watch their grades suffer. Deep breath.
The first thing to do is take a beat. Trying to address this when you are upset and disappointed, and they may be anxious and defensive isn’t going to get you very far. Let them know you do not find the outcome with their grades acceptable, but that you want to schedule a time a few days out to sit down and discuss.
It can come as a shock to see a teen who is acting responsibly in one area of their life (their art) behave in a way that feels irresponsible in another (their grades). Try not to come into a conversation with them having lost sight of the fact that they are doing some things right – showing dedication, perseverance, consistency and progress in their art.
When discussing this, there are three issues to address: your teens’ failure to discuss – or even choosing to hide – this with you once they knew their grades were suffering; understanding why they aren’t prioritizing their grades; and agreeing to expectations you can both live with.
Failure to Let You Know Their Academics Were in Trouble
Create a Safe Environment
If you can come to your teen from a place of empathy and indicate you are open to hearing what happened and working towards solutions – versus assigning blame – you are far more likely to move the needle towards your end goal. A better balance between their dedication to their academics and their art.
Initiate a Calm and Honest Conversation
Choose an appropriate time to discuss the situation with your teenager. Stay calm and composed throughout the conversation, emphasizing your concern for their well-being and future. Let them know you understand their deduction to their art and the place it has in their life. Encourage them to share why they did not prioritize their grades as they promised. Also ask why they failed to let you know their grades were slipping and listen attentively without interrupting or criticizing.
Understanding Why They Aren’t Prioritizing Their Grades
Once you have a sense of why they were not forthcoming about the state of their academics, work to identify the underlying motivations regarding focusing on their art over their academics. Explore multiple potential underlying reasons including:
Personal and Social Identity
Teens often find a sense of belonging and validation through their art. They may feel pressure to prioritize their commitments to their peers in their art to maintain friendships or fit into a particular social group. They may also find they identify as a student of their art more than they do as a student of traditional academics.
Future Aspirations
If your teen dreams of pursuing a career in their art, they may feel their time and energy are put to better use skill building and establishing a reputation in their art. This may be especially true if they do not see college as a necessary step on their path to career development in their art.
Immediate Gratification
Arts can provide immediate gratification through performance, product, and success. In contrast, academic achievement may seem distant or abstract. Prioritizing the more tangible rewards of their artistic endeavors may feel easier – and more rewarding – and offer real time feedback of the progress being made.
More Affinity for Their Art
If your teen has struggled with academics, or has consistently found skill building in their art to come naturally – but not in academics, they may be avoiding the stress or anxiety that academics causes. Look at their history of academic progress, the intensity of their academic load, and any signs that they were in fact trying to keep up with their grades but weren’t able to do so.
Agreeing to Expectations You Can Both Live With
After you have established the thought process – or emotional process behind your teens choice, move on to establishing limits, expectations and boundaries related to the balance between academics and their arts moving forward.
Set realistic expectations
Discuss what you consider to be realistic academic expectations and why. Listen to their input and if there is a discrepancy between what you consider acceptable and they consider realistic, keep the dialogue open until you can come to an agreement.
While it is important to expect your teen to strive for improvement, it is also crucial to set realistic expectations that they will buy into and work to achieve.
Monitor and Provide Support
Let your teen know your goal is for it to not be necessary for you to monitor their progress. That part of maturing is taking responsibility for their choices and actions – even the ones that aren’t fun, but necessary.
Ask your teen what would feel comfortable to them for your involvement in the beginning while they are establishing behaviors to keep their grades up. If it’s less than you feel comfortable with, let them know and come to a compromise as to how often you will be checking their progress.
Establish Consequences
It’s important to establish consequences if progress is not being made ahead of time. Consequences does not have to mean punishment. Examples of some consequences may be:
- Visiting the school support tutor weekly until grades come up
- Working with an executive planning coach
- Shifting homework location from the bedroom to a public space where you can help them stay on track
- Increasing the amount you are checking in if it feels as though they start strong but drift off track
Seek Professional Help if Necessary
If your teenager continues to struggle academically or exhibits signs of emotional distress, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. A school counselor or outside therapist can provide additional support and guidance to assess potential underlying issues such as anxiety, depression, ADHD or learning disabilities.
If a creative art is your teens passion, it’s natural that that is where they want to put their energy and focus. Encouraging open communication, understanding their perspective, establishing yours and setting clear expectations will assist them in finding a balance between academics and creative arts.
If you have a question you’d like some additional support answering regarding your creatively driving teen or tween through my “Ask Dr. Alaina” blog posts, email your question to:
askdralaina@parentingtalent.com
As stated in the Terms of Use, Parenting Talent is not engaged in rendering therapy services. Submitting a question and/or receiving an answer does not imply or create a therapist-patient or any other treatment relationship between you and Parenting Talent, Dr. Alaina or any of its representatives.
