“High school has not been a good match for my kid,” this mom said to me as she sat down with her coffee.
She looked wary. Tired. A mutual friend had made the introduction and suggested I might be a good person for her to talk to about her confusion and frustration about her musician daughter’s next steps once high school finished. We’d spoken briefly at the event where we met, but she’d asked if she could buy me a cup of coffee the next day.
I smiled and said, “High-school is not always a good match for teens. For teens in the creative or performing arts, they may dislike academics. Or they may not connect with many of the social expectations. But we just don’t seem to be very good as a society about acknowledging this reality.” I asked her if I could record our conversation because I thought it might help other parents who felt alone in this type of situation.
She looked relieved. “Wow. Yeah. [Mutual friend] said you’d get it.” I hit record and asked her to tell me her story.
“Well, it’s just so hard, you know? Senior year and all of the parents of kids the same age seem to all be mourning the end of an era. The college early acceptances are starting up, and it’s all ‘I can’t believe it’s over. I’m going to be so sad next year.’ But that’s not my reality. Even the few that thought might sort of get it, the other ‘music’ moms have kids going into musical theater. So they’ve been navigating that process, auditions, all those things. But Kate [not her real name] has always been different, I guess. She’s not interested in any of that.
The only reason she used to be sort of involved in the musical theater program is that we pushed her. She’s such a loner. She’s always happier in our basement writing songs. She’s been like that as long as I can remember. Ok, maybe loner isn’t the right word. She’s kind of quirky and has an offbeat sense of humor. She’s had a hard time finding people who she connects with. But I’ve noticed that when she does, she’s more social.
And she hates school. She always did, but high school has been really bad. It’s not just the social stuff. She just does not see the point of classes she doesn’t like and doesn’t care about getting good grades.”
I could see the pain on her face as she shared these last two statements.
“It’s been really hard. I feel so out of step with other parents. [Social media] is all ‘oh, so proud of my kids’ great grades. Oh – here’s my kid and all of their friends going to Homecoming.’ That’s not how things are for me.
[Daughter] is amazing. She’s brilliant in some ways, though you’d never know it where school is concerned. We are dragging her across the finish line at this point. So watching all of these ‘got our first college acceptance!’ posts is hard.
It’s not that I want her to be someone she is not. But she has no interest in college. We took her to tour some schools – all contemporary music places. She went but came away saying ‘I don’t want to go to college. I already know a lot of that stuff and I can find ways to learn the rest a lot cheaper.’ How do you argue with that?
All these moms are focused on savoring all of the ‘lasts,’ and I’m just hoping my kid makes it to the end. I cannot wait for high school to be over. When I tell people that she’s not going to school, some assume it’s a gap year.
But it’s not a gap year. For now, she’s not going. We’ve told her she has to have a plan, and she’s found some online programs she’d be interested in.
What she’d really like is for us to say we’d pay for her to go to LA or Nashville. She’s hinted that we were going to pay for college so she’d rather do that. But we have told her no. At least not until she has a real plan and proof she is making some type of progress.”
I stopped her and asked, “What do you mean by progress? That’s different for everyone.”
She laughed and said, “Yeah, well, that’s the problem. I don’t even understand enough about what she wants to do – electronic music – to know what to expect. I just know forcing her to go to college would be a waste of money.
But, and I know some people think we’re crazy, but we aren’t opposed to helping her move closer to music hubs if she has an actual plan. It’s so hard to deal with all of the judgment. I know I shouldn’t really care, but I feel like they feel my kid not loving traditional school is some kind of failure on my part or a flaw in her.”
I smiled. I’ve heard variations on this from other parents. I reassured her that wanting to meet her daughter where she was at and help her do what she loves is not a failure or flaw. That people have many gifts, but those gifts may not shine, or may even be held back, in an institutional setting.
“Thank you.
I’m a little embarrassed by how much I needed to hear that. To need reassurance. She’s been so unhappy in school. She lights up when she is online with other musicians. She has two friends she was close to in her school – but they were one and two years ahead of her so they graduated. And both went away to school. So she only sees them when they come home and it’s not like they can spend all of their time with her. I can tell sometimes she’s lonely. It’s not all the time. Most of the time she’s content doing her own thing. But sometimes, I can tell she wishes she had someone to hang out with on Friday night.
She already told me she’s not going to prom.
So yeah, one more thing all the moms on social media will be talking about that just doesn’t relate to anything my kid wants to be a part of.”
We moved to a conversation about the fantasy of high school versus the reality for so many. The pressure to perform. Or to follow a certain path.
And the loneliness parents to teens who are simply trying to survive the experience may feel.
But I also pointed out that by not being deeply involved in school there was drama, social pressure, and anxiety that her daughter may have dodged that so many high schoolers report as part of their experience. There was also concerns on the other side that parents she knows may not be sharing with regards to academic high-achieving teens.
The lessons her daughter was learning spending time on something she loved were setting her up for future success. Direct experience that would be immediately applicable to her career of choice.
There was also the connection she had developed with her daughter on those Saturday evenings when they would hang out and watch movies or binge-watch shows was invaluable. Time other parents would have a hard time creating. I pointed out I could hear the respect and admiration she’d developed for who her daughter was – versus just what she was doing. And let her know this would play a role in her daughters future confidence in herself.
As we spoke, she came to realize that it was this time together that helped her feel confident supporting her daughter’s preference to follow her own path. To know her, her heart, her mind and to understand why college, at least for now, is not for her.
“It’s a little scary. But I know this is what is best for her. When we toured a few schools – my idea, not hers – she looked miserable at the idea of living any of it. I thought that seeing all of the studio equipment and potential for community with other musicians would entice her, but all it did was solidify her stance. No college.
She’s totally ok with getting a job. Says it will be easier to work than to have to sit in class.
We spent the remainder of our time talking about how she could find ways to help her daughter start making a plan for the first few months. I could see her visibly relax as we discussed all of the possibilities post-graduation. Knowing the end was in sight for challenges her daughter had to navigate and having something to look forward to brought relief.
She leaned back, looked out the window, and said, “I can’t wait to see her – if not happier – at least less stressed about having to walk in that building every day. I guess what you said earlier about the loneliness I’ve felt having a kid who has hated every moment of high school. I hadn’t thought of it like that, but I get now that it’s made me more aware of her loneliness. Of not having a peer group who feels the same way she does. Who want to do different things.”
She was not the first, and I’m sure not the last, parent to reach out looking for understanding that traditional high school has not been a good match for their teen.
If this is your teen, don’t despair. The traditional school model works great for many but is a square peg in a round hole for others. The good news is, it’s temporary. Just as parents who have had a positive experience may be lamenting how fast it all went, you can take solace in knowing it will pass. If you suspect your teen’s mental health is being impacted, seek outside help. And remember, your teen can get a diploma in other ways.
Nowadays there are so many online options. If you feel it may not be worth the emotional cost to keep them in a traditional program, encourage your teen to reach out to the school. Find what alternatives they may offer. And if there are none in your district, find out what is important to your teen, balance it with what is important for you and your family values, and work towards a plan that you both can live with.
And get excited about all of the tremendous opportunities and experiences in front of your teen post-graduation.
