I would really love your feedback on a situation going on in our home right now and if and if I’m wrong to insist on meeting obligations and expectations in the creative arts. My fifteen-year-old went from being our sweet, compliant, easy-going kid to one who seems to wait to hear what we say and then intentionally do the exact opposite.
I get that this is normal for her age and many of my friends tell me I’ve been lucky this hasn’t happened until now.
But the problem is, it’s really hurting her dream of majoring in flute performance.
For context – she asked to take flute lessons when she was in kindergarten. She was really physically small, but our neighbor happened to be an instructor and she offered to start her out on the recorder. In third grade she switched to flute and loved it. It’s been her passion ever since.
We’ve never had to ask her to practice, she plays for fun. Even when given a choice of traditional camp with her best friends or music camp, she chose music camp. Her room has defaulted to a music theme as everyone gives her flute related gifts.
She declared she wanted to major on the flute and her goal was to play in a professional orchestra. I know she’s young and can easily change her mind, but all of her choices since seventh grade have been centered around this goal.
Yet something happened this summer. She auditioned exceptionally well as a freshman and was one of only three freshmen placed in the advanced orchestra at her school. She wasn’t spending as much time playing as she had in the past. Odd timing because she was entering in some major competitions. These were competitions she had been excited about in the past and couldn’t wait to be old enough.
When I asked her what was going on, she said nothing and that she was practicing a lot at school in the practice rooms. But this past summer it was really noticeable. She really wasn’t working much. She went to a music camp – one that is not at all cheap by the way – and she seemed to have fun. But I also noticed that after she came back she went a full week without playing once. I know because her flute never moved from the dining room table.
I finally said something and she started back up saying she had just needed a break. Which is fine, I get that, but now school has started and she’s really not very focused. She doesn’t come after school, claiming she’s studying with friends. I seriously doubt it. But as long as her grades are ok, I’m not going to push.
I’m more concerned that she has skipped her private flute lessons a few times. She has never done this before. I only found out after the third time when her teacher reached out to me. I guess she at least texted the teacher claiming she had a conflict, but I think she just doesn’t want to leave her friends.
I let her know this is totally unacceptable, especially because it costs a lot of money. But if she really wants to pursue music, she can’t skip her lessons. I’m pretty angry and told her that if she does it again without our permission she will be grounded.
Most concerning, she made our city’s youth orchestra this year. She’s wanted to do it for the last few years, but it’s an hour long drive if traffic cooperates for us to get her there, and impacts the entire family’s weekend. So we asked her to wait until she had a year of high-school under her belt before trying out.
I don’t see her working on her orchestra music much. If anything, after years of asking, now that she’s in it she seems resentful. It’s as if doesn’t want to give up the five or more hours out of her weekend.
A few weekends ago her friends all went to watch one of the girls water-polo matches and weren’t supposed to get back until after we needed to leave for the city [for rehearsal]. She was arguing that she wanted to skip rehearsal. That was when her dad and I really came down on her. This is ridiculous. She wanted to go support her friend in actually putting in the work and energy for an activity at the expense of her own obligations? No way.
She was so upset, said we don’t understand and friends support each other but no one would want to come to a stupid orchestra concert. We held firm and she wanted to ride in the back seat just to distance herself as far from me as she could. She was on facetime and snapchat the entire time with her friends and I had to warn her that if she snuck her phone into rehearsal we would no longer allow her to take it with her. They are very strict about it and she could get kicked out if she doesn’t turn it off. We have an emergency number we can call if we need to reach them.
Missing the afternoon out with her friends to watch the match really set something off in her. She has been rude, disrespectful and we’ve caught her in several lies – especially around meeting her obligations with regard to her flute. She skipped a lesson again and my husband grounded her when he checked Life360 and saw she was at a friend’s house. She’s now threatening to quit playing altogether, saying, ‘If that’s why I can’t have a life, then I’ll quit.’
I don’t know what to do here. I just really can’t believe she wants to quit. Not now that she’s really getting to do things others her age only aspire to. We have expectations that she practice. But obviously even if we try to make her practice we can’t actually make her put in any real work. If she quits we aren’t ok with using all of that time just to hang out with friends.
And we’re really worried that if we let her quit she will really regret it later.
For teens, meeting obligations and expectations in the creative arts can sometimes become a challenging balance. As parents, it’s really hard when our kids go from people whom we feel we understood completely to what can feel like a complete stranger.
Teen Years Are Challenging
The shift away from all of the things that define our kids as kids as they move into the teen years is not unusual. Not all tweens and teens will take a drastic turn down a different path. But know that you are not alone in scratching your head wondering “what is going on?”
The transition into the teen years is often challenging for both teens and their parents. Striving for independence is a hallmark of teen identity development. Yet, for parents striking a balance between fostering this autonomy and maintaining healthy boundaries can be a muddy process.
Picking the right battles when you are in the midst of teen rebellion can be complicated. On the one hand, it’s important to support your daughter developing her own values, beliefs and interests – all while hoping the foundation that was laid by you during her childhood will be the biggest influence on the direction they take. At the same time, we as parents are aware that the teen brain is still a work in progress. The areas responsible for decision-making, impulse control and emotional regulation are still immature.
There is a substantial rewiring taking place in your teens brain, a neurological transformation known as synaptic pruning and myelination. This process ultimately leads to the developments of more advanced cognitive functions, but getting there is an uneven process.
Oh and lets not forget this process is also occurring in the midst of heightened hormonal fluctuations. These hormonal shifts only serve to heighten the intense emotional response to challenges and can lead to mood swings that are confusing to both you and your teen. While all of this is occurring, teens are more prone to engage in risk-taking behaviors.
Including sabotaging something they care about by blowing off obligations and expectations as they succumb to the draw of peer interaction and approval and an independent sense of identity.
Where to Hold Firm: Setting Limits and Boundaries
The more you push back and try to control your daughter’s refusal to practice or prioritize her commitments to her instrument, the more likely she is to shut down and quit. Even if this is not what she truly wants to do.
The key is to grant as much autonomy as you can while maintaining limits and boundaries that act as bumper rails for your teens safety and long-term well-being. I’d suggest you sit down with your daughter and ask her to explain her point of view and choices. Truly listen to her responses and desires – offer little input other than indicating you are listening or repeating back what she is saying to confirm you are hearing her. Let her know this is her time to express herself and that you will seriously consider her point of view and ask to speak about it further at a later date.
A few days later, talk to her about how you would like to integrate her wishes and desires with your own family values and expectations. Set limits on where you are not willing to bend and be clear on which areas you are willing to trust her to make her own decisions. Areas that require a more firm limitation may include the following:
Safety Concerns:
Your daughter lying about her whereabouts rather than indicating in advance that she was not going to attend her lesson has a larger concern than just the missed skill building and wasted money. Not having a general sense of her whereabouts is a safety concern.
Academic Responsibilities:
Though you did not indicate any concerns in this regard, it’s important to mention what your expectations are in this area. If she is meeting them, praise her for this and acknowledge her maturity and responsibility.
Every family has different expectations (and I would argue, may need different expectations for different children). Restate your expectations. This may include completing assignments on time (and turning them in), school attendance and a review of educational goals.
Respectful Behavior:
Be clear on what you find to be acceptable behavior with regard to respect. This should extend not just to you as parents, but siblings, other adults in their life and anyone else you consider important. Let your daughter know that canceling her lesson at the last minute is not only damaging her own progress, but is disrespectful to her teacher and her teachers’ times. This is an obligation – as well as orchestra rehearsal – that must be respected.
Often I find that teens who skip obligations at the last minute are often doing so due to underdeveloped impulse control. A group of friends says “hey, want to go to Starbucks with us after school?” and the impulse to respond to being included tends to be “Yes!” without processing what this means in terms of their obligations.
If there was no intention of being disrespectful, and in your daughter’s case, she may feel she was addressed her obligation by texting her teacher and saying she wasn’t coming. She doesn’t yet have the experience and perspective to fully understand that this leaves the hour her teacher reserved for her empty- and with such late notice cannot be filled with another student.
Boundaries about respect, communication, honesty and empathy should be revisited and reinforced.
Moral and Ethical Boundaries:
It never hurts to revisit these boundaries, even if your teen is already respecting them. The early teen years are a good time to have a discussion about these on a higher level, letting your teen know now that they are older and more mature, you want them to understand the deeper layers of your family value system.
Discuss what you consider to be most important, point out where you see your teen exemplifying this. Let them know that as they get older things may become more complicated and indicate you are always available to talk about situations which may feel confusing.
Where to Offer Autonomy: The Importance of Independence
While setting limits is essential, it’s also just as important to recognize the importance of granting autonomy during the teen years. It can feel challenging to do this when we see our teens making a choice that we feel they may regret. Yet, allowing our teens to express their opinions and take responsibility for the outcome is essential to develop a strong sense of independence and self-efficacy which in turn is part of what contributes to the development of resilient and confident adults.
Decision-Making Opportunities:
Allowing your daughter more freedom in the decision making process regarding her skill development on the flute will be key to her setting and achieving her own goals. Discuss how this ties into your non-negotiable expectations – such as respect for her teacher’s time and your money – but offer her the freedom to make decisions about where and how she puts in the time to meet her goals. This means allowing room for her to experience failure when she makes a choice not aligned with her goals.
You may also want to create more decision-making opportunities within boundaries. For example, let’s say the boundary is “you have to continue with your lessons for at least one year until you are finished with your commitment to the youth orchestra.” You may say to her “Ok, but within that, we get that you want to have some free time to hang out with your friends after school. Here are some options. We can ask your teacher if she has a later lesson time, we can ask her if you can do every-other week for a few months, or we can look at the calendar and let her know in advance if there are days you would prefer to reschedule.”
Allowing more freedom in the decision-making process will help your teen develop critical thinking skills. By providing options, it also helps them realize that what may have felt like a constricting black-or-white decision may have solutions that meet more than one need.
Open Communication:
By now, we all know communication is important in parenting. It can also be challenging with a teen who is pushing for autonomy and may not want to engage in a conversation. Yet, if we can engage in more listening than speaking, we create a safe space for our teens to express their thoughts, feelings and concerns.
Teens often interpret a different or disagreeing option as a judgment. Remember to keep the ratio of listening to speaking at least 2:1 to demonstrate that you are, in fact, listening, even if you don’t agree. Ask open ended questions whenever possible and look for opportunities to encourage dialogue.
For teens, having a parent look at them with intense emotion – regardless of whether that emotion is positive or negative, can cause them to shut down or limit what they say. Creating natural opportunities for them to speak without having to maintain eye contact can encourage them to say more than they might in other situations. Speaking to them while driving them somewhere can be a good way to get them to open up.
While talking to your teen while they look at their phone may feel rude, notice what is happening. Are they using the phone to distract them from big emotions? Are they truly disengaged from the conversation and responding to their friends? Or are they opening up and talking to you, but using the phone to avoid the intensity of making eye-contact with you? Notice the context and respond accordingly. If it’s not taking value away from the information being exchanged, it may be best to ignore where they are looking and focus on the communication for the time being.
Negotiating and Compromising:
In situations where there is some flexibility possible, consider where you might be to negotiate or compromise. For example, on the weekend when your daughter wanted to go to her friend’s water polo match, was there any room to negotiate? Was the meet close enough to allow her to go part of the event and pick her up early? Potentially annoying for you? Yes. Potentially having your daughter feel you really do understand and respect all of the various emotional needs and responsibilities pulling at her? Yes.
Finding places where compromise is possible tends to have teens be less frustrated when there are places that you draw a hard line. It fosters a collaborative relationship and more respect for parental boundaries as they know you are willing to compromise unless it is something you feel is truly essential for their safety, well-being, or progress in life.
With practicing an instrument, this may look like, “Ok, you are practicing at school – which is great. But that doesn’t help us have a feel for how much time you are putting in. Can you commit to practicing for 45 minutes at least three times per week at home? If you do that we won’t ask you how much time you are putting in the school rehearsal rooms and will trust that you are using your judgment to get enough time to be prepared for your commitments.
Conclusion
When we see our teens failing to meet expectations such as practicing and preparing properly for commitments, it can be both frustrating and scary. We have the life-experience to understand the long-term consequences of these choices. We worry that they will dig themselves in a hole that is very hard to climb out of.
Finding the right balance of setting boundaries and granting autonomy to develop their own identity, values and interests is tricky. But if we are able to acknowledge that a little rebellion – even with regards to things they care about – is normal, you can carefully pick your battles. This will foster a healthy and supportive environment where your teen may explore independence while maintaining an understanding of the non-negotiable obligations and expectations in your family ecosystem.
By carefully picking their battles, parents can foster a healthy and supportive environment that allows teenagers to explore their independence while maintaining essential boundaries. It is through a combination of clear expectations, open communication, and thoughtful decision-making that parents can guide their teenagers toward becoming responsible, independent, and confident individuals ready to face the challenges of adulthood.
