Navigating feelings of regret with your creative artist – your own and your teens – may be a challenge we face as parents of teens in the creative arts.
Parents Questioning Choices
For parents, there may be an internal pressure to get it all right. That we need to do anything and everything to help our teens have successful, fulfilling and meaningful experiences in their art and if they do not, we have failed. The idea that our teens may face intense disappointment, failure or manage moments of suffering can be uncomfortable.
We may find ourselves questioning our choices in regards to advice we’ve been giving our teens. Questioning if we have prepared them for adulthood both inside and outside of their activity of choice is a common concern for parents and lead to feelings of regret. This may be especially true if their passion is for an art that we have not personally engaged in as it may feel very foreign or unrelatable to our own journey.
When we begin to question our parenting choices, it can lead to stress and feelings of regret. We may find ourselves wondering what we could have done differently or better. It can be difficult to gain perspective and we worry that any poor choices or outcomes experienced may derail future success.
Teens Questioning Decisions
Teens may find themselves questioning decisions they have made within their art. Did they choose the right teacher or piece of music? Should they have taken the more challenging dance class? Were they wrong to sit out the school musical to work on a project not related to their art? This questioning can lead to regret.
When teens pressure themselves and question their choice and experience regret, it can undermine their confidence. They may begin to doubt their ability to make good choices, and become frozen with indecision. When this occurs a self-fulfilling prophecy of inaction, and thus lack of positive outcomes can ensue.
Here are some of the factors that can lead to feeling of regret in parents and teens:
Unrealistic Expectations
We are often driven by high expectations, whether self-imposed or influenced by external factors. These unrealistic expectations can set the stage for disappointment and regret when the desired outcomes are not achieved.
For parents this can be unrealistic expectations of ourselves as parents, or of our teens. We may also have unrealistic expectations for situations and circumstances where we have no control. Teens may also have these types of expectations. They may hold unrealistic expectations of themselves or those around them.
Fear of Failure
Fear of failure is an emotional hurdle for most people at various times during their lives. As parents, there is fear of not launching successful young adults into the world. They worry they will be seen as the one to blame if their tweens, teens and young adults are not only not successful, but thriving and happy in all aspects of their life
As teens, the pressure to succeed and the fear of letting others down may influence decisions that they later question. These missed opportunities can ultimately lead to regret for not taking risks.
Comparison and Social Pressure
The prevalence of social media amplifies the culture of comparison among both parents and teenagers. Parents watch constant announcements of (often selectively curated) successes of the offspring of their peers. Regret may creep in when they see a post saying what an amazing time another teen had at their specialized camp and how much they learned and grew during their time there. Even when parents know that the camp was not a great match for their teen or their family for whatever reason, suddenly they find themselves comparing their teens summer experiences to the other teen.
For teens, they may see other teens who participate in the same extracurricular performing or creative art and question differences in choices. They may feel pressure to take the same classes as others around them, even when they know they have chosen a different path for well thought out reasons. Constant exposure to others’ successes can foster a sense of inadequacy, causing teens to regret their perceived shortcomings in their art.
Failure to Set Boundaries
Regret can stem from a lack of healthy boundaries. Parents may regret not setting clear expectations or allowing their teens too much freedom without guidance in their art of choice. They may question allowing their teen to avoid challenging classes or quitting activities or classes that they were not enjoying.
On the other hand, teens may regret not asserting their needs or not having the structure necessary for maximum development in their art. Teens may regret not having pursued opportunities based on their parents or peers not being supportive or understanding the value of the opportunity.
Managing Regret
There are many ways to navigate feelings of regret for both parents and teens. Here are a few that are helpful.
Setting Realistic Goals
For parents, setting realistic goals can be tricky. This must include setting realistic goals for ourselves as parents. It is unrealistic to think we can always be patient, have exactly the right advice, be available as a sounding board at all times, and remain calm when speaking to our teens. All while being an expert on all of the “things.”
By setting realistic goals for yourself as a parent, you are demonstrating to your teen that being realistic is a necessary step for avoiding regret. Let your teen you can only do so much, that you are human and you will make mistakes. Explain that you will make the best parenting decisions you can based on the information and skill set you have at the time.
Encourage your teen to engage in the same behavior in their art and when making other decisions in their life. Accept that decisions can only be made with the information they have at the time, that mistakes or missteps are inevitable and that part of avoiding regret is accepting this reality. Goals should be challenging yet attainable, allowing for a sense of accomplishment without the burden of unmet expectations.
Emphasizing Process Over Outcome
As a parent, it’s important to remember that teens are in the midst of a developmental process that has making mistakes and poor choices built in. While we are now coming at decision making from a place of experience, we must remember how many mistakes we made along the way. Chances are, we have forgotten more of the missteps we made as teens and young adults than we remember. Looking back and recalling the choices we made that lead to negative outcomes, the missed opportunities, the confusion and floundering we experienced as we attempted to make decisions with limited information.
Focus on the process of gradually allowing for more autonomy, and accepting that with this will come mistakes. When mistakes occur, look at where your teen has grown, what they have learned and lead them towards learning resilience. Lean into the importance of this process rather than any places you question if you could have guided them in a different direction. You survived many mistakes, but you reflected on what happened, adjusted and kept moving forward. Step back and focus on the process of learning rather than the outcome of the immediate goal.
For teens, shifting their attention from outcome-based success to the process of improvement can help alleviate the fear of failure. Emphasizing the importance of hard work, dedication, and growth in their art reinforces the idea that success is a journey, not just a destination. This can be challenging for teens as they have so many places in their lives where the outcome is the final measure. But by learning to focus on accomplishing various steps in skill building, they may minimize regret when the desired outcome is not what they had hoped. Ultimately, they will gain perspective and be able to look back at all of the progress they made, even if it did not progress the way they had envisioned or hoped
Seeking Support
As parents, having other parents who understand and can relate to your concerns can be a powerful tool in minimizing regret. Recognizing that other parents have the same doubts, concerns, confusion and challenges puts success and failures in context.
If you find yourself struggling with constant regret around decisions, consider seeking professional help. A professional can help you sort out why you are feeling intense regret and help you reframe it into a more constructive mindset.
Teens often benefit from a support system to help them navigate the complex emotions associated with regret in their art. Instructors, teachers and mentors can provide guidance, perspective, and encouragement, reinforcing the idea that setbacks are a natural part of the creative and performing arts journey.
Conclusion
Navigating feelings of regret with your creative artist can emerge as a common theme for both parents and teens alike and you make your way along the artistic journey. The internal pressure to ensure success in their teens’ artistic pursuits can lead parents to question their decisions, fostering stress and feelings of regret. Teens themselves may also experience a sense of pressure to get it all right, making all of the correct decisions and consistently have positive outcomes. Unrealistic expectations, fear of failure, social comparisons, and a failure to set boundaries can all contribute to these sentiments. However, setting realistic goals, emphasizing the process over the outcome and enlisting support can all help both parents when navigating feelings of regret.
