Supporting Your Teen and Managing Your Own Emotions
When your child comes to you and wants to try out a creative art, the first thought that comes to mind is, “Oh, I’m not sure. I’m not sure I want to introduce that type of competition and rejection into your life.” We tend to associate “art” with more positive attributes such as self-expression, connection, and community.
Which is true, the arts do come with these and many other positive attributes. However, as your child moves into their tween and teen years, the creative arts can include differing degrees of rejection. And no matter how big or small, understandable or unjustified, the emotional impact of rejection can be hard to manage, for both your tween or teen and for you as a parent.
Rejection in the creative arts can come in many forms. Whether it’s not receiving acknowledgement of a piece of artwork that your teen poured their heart and soul into, not making the top dance team at their studio, or not being chosen for a coveted role, rejection is going to be a part of their journey. Or it may be more personal, such as peers feeling jealous of their success and responding by cutting them out of peer relationships or activities.
Acknowledging the Emotions
Understanding how rejection affects your teen is key to offering strategies to support and help them through these difficult moments. Here are some common emotions your teen and you may experience when your teen is facing rejection:
Disappointment
Your tween or teen may feel a general sense of disappointment, especially if they had high hopes or invested a significant amount of time and effort into their creative endeavor. Similarly, if the disappointment is tied to rejection from a specific person, they may feel a sense of loss at this not being a source of support for them in their art.
You as a parent may also feel similar disappointment, especially when considering the time, money, and sacrifice you have made supporting your teen’s pursuit of a creative art. When it comes to rejection coming from a peer or mentor in your teen’s life, you may find yourself feeling disappointed regarding the lack of support for them in something they care so deeply about.
Self-doubt
Rejection can lead to self-doubt, and your tween or teen may question their talents and abilities. They may wonder if they are truly good enough or if their passion for the arts is misplaced. They may also question if the art is worth the sacrifice they have to make, including potentially losing relationships as they progress.
As a parent, your tween or teen’s rejection can have you questioning your choices for them within their art. Teachers, studios, equipment, coaching – all things that you as a parent largely controlled when they were young and likely still have influence over as the person footing the bill and getting them where they need to be.
For parents of teens who have moved from their art being a fun activity to an identity-defining passion pursuit, you may question if they have the ability to ascend to the levels they desire in their art.
Frustration
Your tween or teen may feel frustrated with themselves, the situation, or even others involved. This frustration may stem from a perceived lack of control or unfairness. When the rejection is from someone on a personal level, they may feel frustration around wanting to do their best but knowing doing so may cause a rift in their relationships.
For you as a parent, your frustration may be rooted in not being able to mitigate negative outcomes for your child. Frustration that others may hurt them without truly acknowledging the consequences, or not being able to protect them from emotional pain.
Sadness
Rejection can trigger feelings of sadness and even mourning for the loss of an opportunity or dream your tween or teen had cherished, especially in older teens when the dreams may be bigger.
Parents experience sadness when they see that their child is sad. Empathy is a natural response when our children are hurting. Not only might you feel sad with them, but you may also feel sad for them as they work to manage challenging outcomes in their art.
Embarrassment
Tweens and teens may experience embarrassment or a blow to their self-esteem when their peers or mentors witness their rejection. With this embarrassment may come a sense of shame, feeling bad, worthy of contempt, flawed, or otherwise inadequate. This may be especially true for teens who lean towards perfectionism in their personality and can lead to entering a shame cycle and may interfere with them making progress or embracing new challenges.
You as a parent may also experience embarrassment when your tween or teen faces public rejection. Even when a parent understands that they “shouldn’t” feel this way, it doesn’t change the reality that you may have had high expectations and may feel uncomfortable when things don’t work out the way you had hoped. This may be especially true if you have shared your high expectations with others.
Making It Through Rejection
As parents, you can influence how well your teen manages various forms of rejection. By helping your teen navigate rejection in a healthy way, you will teach them how to learn from setbacks and set healthy boundaries when needed.
Validate Emotions
Acknowledge and validate your tween or teen’s feelings. Let them know that it’s normal to feel disappointed or hurt after experiencing rejection. Encourage open communication and create a safe space for them to express their emotions.
Recognize and acknowledge your own emotional responses to your teen’s rejection. Understand that your feelings may stem from a place of protectiveness or a desire for your teen’s happiness. Be honest with them about how you feel about the situation as well. Let them know what you are doing to manage your own feelings.
Encourage Self-Reflection
Once the initial hurt has passed, help your tween or teen view rejection as an opportunity for growth and learning. Encourage them to reflect on what they can improve upon and what they have gained from the experience. If the rejection is from a specific person, ask them to find the lessons they have learned from their interactions with that person thus far – both positive and negative.
This goes for you as a parent as well. Look at the lessons they have learned and how they can be applied to future situations. Also, examine what lessons you have learned by watching them navigate the experience and reflect on how to use this knowledge moving forward.
Highlight Strengths
Remind your tween or teen of their unique skills and achievements. Encourage them to focus on their personal growth rather than solely on external validation. Find ways to provide structure and support that move them towards manageable personal goals that remind them that they are making progress in their art. This will help them remember that rejection is just one roadblock that they can work around as they move toward their larger goals.
Seek Support
Encourage your tween or teen to surround themselves with supportive friends and mentors who can celebrate their achievements and understand the challenges they face. Suggest they use these safe relationships to seek out constructive feedback on their creative work. Help them identify trusted but unbiased sources who can offer suggestions in addressing opportunities for improvement. Give examples of where you have found constructive criticism to be valuable for your own development and improvement and how it can be the same for them.
As a parent, reach out to other parents, support groups, or professionals who can provide a listening ear and guidance. Sharing your concerns and frustrations with others who understand and relate to your experience can help alleviate the emotional burden. These relationships can also provide valuable insight and suggestions on how to move forward.
Explore Alternative Opportunities
Encourage your tween or teen to seek out other creative opportunities that align with their interests. This can help them regain any lost sense of purpose and motivation. It can be a new class, ensemble, instructor, or any other way to find a new avenue of creative skill building and opportunities for small wins.
As a parent, focus on the bigger picture. Remind yourself that your teen’s journey in the creative arts is a long-term process. Rejection is just one part of their path, and there will be many other opportunities for growth and success along the way. Look for those and focus on the wins they find there.
Discuss Jealousy
As your teen meets with success in their creative art, it is important to address the topic of jealousy and how it can impact how others treat them. Jealousy is a common human emotion, and it can manifest in negative ways among peers. Rejection can be a way that their peers protect their own self-esteem when facing jealousy.
Address the reality that adults can also act from a place of jealousy. This may be jealousy over your tween or teen’s popularity, skill set, opportunities, background… it won’t matter what is causing the adult to feel jealous. What will matter is unfair rejection may be executed in the form of limiting opportunities or openly criticizing them.
For parents, you may experience jealousy from other parents when your child meets with success. You may be excluded from social gatherings or other connections. You may find your peers speaking negatively of you if you choose to openly celebrate your teen’s success, no matter how modestly you do so. Prepare yourself to acknowledge your own feelings of rejection if this occurs and use the suggestions above to work through any isolation, sadness, or frustration that it may bring.
Navigating rejection in the creative arts can feel challenging and overwhelming. Yet, it is an inevitable part of the creative journey, and it provides valuable opportunities for growth, resilience, and self-discovery. By fostering open communication, supporting our teens’ emotional well-being, and managing our own reactions, we can create a nurturing environment that helps them navigate rejection with grace and continue pursuing their artistic passions. Remember, our role as parents is not to shield our teens from rejection but to equip them with the tools to overcome and learn from it, fostering their lifelong love for the creative arts.
