As a parent or mentor of a teen in the performing arts, you may witness them work incredibly hard to achieve a goal. You are excited and proud as you see them making progress. Then, just when it seems that it is right around the corner, you witness them pulling back. They appear to suddenly stop or even actively retreat from progress towards. achieving their goal. Understanding teen self-sabotage in the face of success can be confusing.
For young performing artists this may present as skipping lessons, failing to practice, leaving projects incomplete or making poor choices such as staying out late the night before a big performance. You may be left confused and frustrated as you see them create unnecessary obstacles for a goal they seem to genuinely desire.
The phenomenon of self-sabotage among adolescents is not unique to the performing arts. It comes from multifaceted origins including developmental, psychological, and neurological factors. Understanding why success may feel scary can help teens identify and move past these behaviors and move on to the success they desire.
Identity Development
One of the primary developmental jobs for teens and young adults is to establish their own identity. Identity formation includes addressing questions about self-concept, belonging in a larger group and social acceptance. These last two tasks typically present as teens pulling away from their family of origin and looking to peers to establish behavioral and social norms. Rather than turn to parents, teachers and other adults for validation and motivation, friends and peers become the primary influence on behavior.
The need to conform often manifests as a reluctance to stand out or excel beyond others in their group. This phenomenon is observed in various cultures worldwide. In essence, individuals fear the repercussions of outshining their peers, worrying about potential envy, resentment, or being ostracized. This fear of standing out, deeply ingrained in adolescent psyche, can lead to self-sabotage as teens instinctively suppress their own potential to maintain their acceptance in their group. Stable identity development, where the individual is less directly influenced by outside factors, may not occur until around age twenty-five.
Upper Limit Barriers
Another factor that often contributes to teen self-sabotage is the concept of an “upper limit problem” This concept comes from the book “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks. Hendricks observed that when on the brink of a “leap” in achievement, we create barriers to success to keep us from managing the potential negative side effects of such success.
For teenagers and young adults, the fear of seeming disloyal to group norms may act as a powerful deterrent to personal growth and achievement. They become concerned that they will be seen as not valuing or devaluing the established achievement level. This can be true for both their peer group as well as their family of origin.
Mixed Messages
The messages we give as a society can also be confusing to your teen. On the one hand, we claim to value independent thinking and achievement. That everyone should shoot for the stars, be their best self and not be concerned about what anyone else thinks. If they are judged for reaching for greatness, they should view this as that person’s problem and not allow it to hold them back in any way.
On the other hand, we also send messages of “be humble” and “don’t brag.” Most teens and young adults have heard and understand the meaning of phrases such as:
“Don’t get too big for your britches.”
“Be careful up on that high-horse.”
“Don’t act all high and mighty.”
“You think you’re all that.”
These confusing conflicting messages can cause a teen to worry consciously or subconsciously that they will be seen as arrogant or conceited. That somehow, achieving and celebrating success must equate to being egotistical – and in turn unlikable. To avoid this external judgment, pulling back may feel safer than pushing for exceptional accomplishments.
Primitive Brain
The primitive part of the human brain also works against teens when they are moving towards success. We are hardwired to seek connection and be part of a group. Being part of a group was the primary source of safety for our primitive ancestors. When we risk being differentiated from the group – and thus potentially excluded – it causes an uncomfortable emotional stress response.
When faced with potential social exclusion, this response can undermine both our desire to achieve as well as our ability to achieve itself. Our primitive brain goes into survival mode and can lower our skills and abilities. It can make it challenging to perform tasks we have previously excelled at and can even lower IQ performance when we feel left out.
Our brain does not differentiate this primitive fear of being excluded – and thus potentially dying – from the fear of being seen as different due to high achievement. As the primitive brain moves into a fear response it hijacks the prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain responsible for thoughtful processing – see below) and moves control to our emotional primitive amygdala. Thus when you teen says “I don’t know why I’m making mistakes all of the sudden” they are speaking from a place of true frustration and confusion.
Immature Prefrontal Cortex
The prefrontal cortex in the frontal lobe of the brain is the part of the brain responsible for attention, concentration, motivation,and decision-making. Beginning in adolescence, the frontal cortex undergoes significant changes that are essential for the development of these executive functions. But it’s just the beginning and teens are still working with an immature prefrontal cortex. This development won’t be complete until around the age of twenty-five.
An immature prefrontal cortex impacts problem-solving abilities. It is prime to heightened emotional reactivity and impulsivity. As a result, they may become overwhelmed, dejected or give up before attempting or following through solving the problem. When the problem is concerning what will happen if they meet with the success they so desire, they may succumb to impulsivity, opting for immediate rewards or escapism over long-term goals.
Procrastination, avoidance, or engaging in self-destructive behaviors may offer temporary relief from the pressures of impending success. The cost of this is often derailing progress and potential achievements. The interplay of heightened emotional reactivity, impulsivity, and the allure of immediate gratification contributes to the tendency to engage in self-sabotage when navigating the path to success.
Social Comparison
In this age of social media, the intensity of social comparison can feel more heightened than ever before. Social media has been shown to increase feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt among adolescents. A near constant barrage of curated depictions of effortless success can set imagined unrealistic standards. This can also lead to constant comparison and competition, which can lead to feelings of insecurity, inferiority and fear of public judgment and failure. This can fuel self-sabotage as it protects teens from the risk of public scrutiny or judgment for any real or imagined shortcomings.
Conclusion
Understanding teen self-sabotage in the face of success can help adults have patience when it occurs. The challenges faced by teens as they move against powerful motivators to avoid achievements that bring attention can be daunting. By understanding these dynamics, the parents and mentors in their world can better support our teens in overcoming self-imposed obstacles and support them to reach their full potential and reach for their greatest goals.
