Last summer, after gathering ideas for the better part of ten years, I decided to write a book on parenting kids who are creatively driven. I wrote Parenting Talent: The Grown-Up’s Guide to Understanding and Supporting Creatively Driven Teens and Tweens from my experience as a mom raising three boys who one by one, declared they were interested in or passionate about one or more creative art.
As a psychologist, I am a researcher by nature, so my immediate response was to look for material that addressed understanding and supporting them in the most affirming manner possible. When I looked, however, I found little out there that really addressed kids who were already creatively driven. Most of the information was geared towards how to encourage your child to be creative.
Sitting down and bringing together my experience as a mom, a therapist and as someone who had spoken to many young creative artists and their parents over the years into a book felt like a natural step.
But as natural as it felt, there were also many eye-opening moments that made me have an even deeper appreciation of my kids’ experience as creative artists. Here are a few things that I knew, but experienced in a deeper way in the process of my own creation.
Inspiration Comes When It Wants
Not necessarily when time is scheduled to get work done. Knowing I keep a busy schedule, I want to treat my commitment to the project with the same respect as I do for my clients. I made a point to put protected writing time on my daily schedule. Which worked great on some days. And not so much on others.
It was an important reminder of why on some days when reminded to practice or work on a script, my boys would say sure, and make great progress, or work past the suggested time. Yet, on others, they would appear resistant, to procrastinate or simply avoid the task – even when they knew there was a deadline.
After experiencing this firsthand, I now ask what might be spurring the lack of action, and discuss a plan to make sure goals are met without adding undue pressure or frustration.
Distractions Are Frustrating
Of course I’ve always known distractions are frustrating. But when I would find myself in creative flow – when the words were effortlessly appearing on the page, it would feel like a gift. Especially when it was happening in relation to an idea or section that I had been struggling to express in the way I wanted.
So distractions in those moments were particularly frustrating. Unlike work that was less creative and required more rote skills, it was harder to recover from distractions when in an innovative flow. Suddenly, my kids’ semi-annoyed tone while asking “may I please have thirty more minutes” while songwriting felt different. Even if I warned them of a need to stop at a certain time…it goes back to inspiration comes when it wants.
Revisions Will Happen
Sometimes I would find myself in creative flow and be thinking “Finally! It’s coming together. This is what I wanted to say.” I’d finish up, read it over and feel a deep sense of relief. Whew. Got it.
But then, upon revisiting it the next day, I would suddenly see – this wasn’t quite the masterpiece of expression I’d thought. In fact, there are some leaps in continuity that need to be addressed. And why did I think this part goes, here, it clearly would fit better in the next chapter and…
I’d seen this when I would eagerly ask one of my boys “may I hear what you’ve written?” I would listen enthusiastically and fall in love with what they’d created. Only to find out weeks later that they’d scrapped most of the song. After listening later, they were not so enthusiastic and felt they could make it better.
Although I respected this was their art – sometimes I’d be disappointed or confused. Especially if I’d felt it was a really great song.
Now I get it. It may have been good. But not what they wanted. And that is ok.
We Are Our Own Worst Critics
Upon completing my first rough draft, I had a section in one chapter that I thought was fine, but felt it could be better.
I kept coming back to it, but finally had to lean into “done is better than perfect” and send it off to my editor.
As I was reading through her first round of feedback, I was stunned to find many positive comments with explanation points throughout the very section that I was not thrilled with.
She loved it.
In spite of this, I still didn’t love it.
Finally, while working on the revisions, it hit me. What was missing and a different approach that would better represent what I wanted to convey.
I rewrote it. And felt much happier with the end result.
I recognized my disappointment or confusion when a song I thought was great was suddenly written off as “not good enough” by one of my boys’ was missing the point. It wasn’t about the quality of the song.
It was about the authenticity and connection to what they wanted to express. I stopped asking “why” when this happened and trusted that they know what they want to put out into the world.
Life Can Get In the Way
Even though I was committed to completing my book, the timeline I’d set – with generous padding – was still interrupted by life.
My failure to make progress at certain times, like when a medical issue came up for one of my boys, had nothing to do with my desire.
Being able to take a step back and make decisions on where my limited energy and resources should be focused is a skill I’d developed over time and honed in grad-school. It was useful when things happened and I needed to do a reset of my timeline.
Allowing my boy the grace and respect to learn this skill for themselves moved up on my priority list. Was it frustrating at times when one of my boys may have professed that they were committed to something but didn’t follow through in the way or time they’d promised? Yes.
Yet instead of quickly questioning their commitment, I learned to take a beat. To see what was occupying their time and energy in the moment. And to give them space to regroup and re-commit without my (ahem) gentle nudges.
Sometimes You Just Aren’t Feeling It
Even though I was committed to my book, there were definitely days I had to dig deep to find motivation
Especially during the editing process – which was less about creating and more about refining. The thrill of watching the big picture come together was no longer a driving force.
My empathy for my boys struggle to motivate when in this phase of creation – whether for music, acting, production or any other of their passion pursuit, greatly expanded.
Yes, you can be deeply invested in what you are creating, and still not be as energized by certain (necessary) parts of the process to produce the best product.
And this is ok.
Sometimes You Need to Let Things Go
I’m aware that I can lean a little too much into perfectionism. I tried to keep this in mind and keep making forward progress in my writing even when I wasn’t 100% convinced it was the best writing I was capable of.
Yet, while I have learned to set this boundary for myself in many areas, it felt different when it was something I was creating. When it felt like a representation of a part of who I am and what I feel. I found myself circling back and questioning things even when there was no reason to do so.
This was particularly problematic when there were other things that needed my attention. Sections that really did need revising, commitments outside of the book, deadlines for tasks in my work life.
It was a reminder for myself as both a person, and a mother, that sometimes, it’s best just to let things go. Even when it may not feel exactly what you had hoped. And remind my boys to trust that in the imperfections are moments of truths and vulnerability that will help others connect to your work.
Sharing Has Vulnerability Built In
I write about the connection between creativity and vulnerability in the book. Yet, even knowing what I know as both a therapist and a mother, at times the vulnerability that pops up in sharing my book has caught me off guard.
When my book was simply my own passion project, there was no risk.
But once it was en-route to being published, the recognition that I was sharing a part of myself that up until now, only my friends, family and clients knew was a bit unnerving.
I cannot control how it is received.
My boys face this constantly as creative artists. They put part of themselves out into the world and have little or no control on how it will be received. With the knowledge that it is inevitable that someone will not like or appreciate their offering.
My respect for their bravery – to get onstage, to perform, to create, to share their authentic selves day after day – has grown exponentially as I launch my book into the world.
I learned that my boys, who create and share on a regular basis – and have been so since being young children – lean into vulnerability all the time. And do so with grace, dignity and joy.
I learned that what they do is turning them into young men who are learning to value and embrace perseverance, focus, communication, collaboration, confidence and self-reflection.
I learned that supporting their desire to lean into the creative arts was completely the right thing to do.
