Pushing Back Against Expectations Is Normal
Are you the parent of a newly minted middle-schooler? Did your sweet, generally compliant kid seem to disappear overnight and get replaced with a less easy-going sixth-grader? Middle school is a time of numerous transitions, and one you may notice is that your kid, who used to, if not happily, at least willingly sit down to practice their instrument, is now pushing back and refusing to practice.
It can be maddening – especially if you know they love their instrument. They may even spend their free time playing it happily – only to refuse to touch it when it comes time to practice. You may find yourself scratching your head in confusion or banging your head against a wall in frustration.
What the heck is going on here? Are they truly losing interest in their instrument or is something else happening? Here are a few things that may be contributing to waht can feel ike a radical – but likely temporary shift in attitude about practicing from your middle-schooler.
What’s Happening
Normal Developmental Stage
Middle-schoolers’ developmental job is to separate from us in order to discover their own identity. They are seeking and understanding who they are independent of their relationship with their family. Part of finding a separate identity may include testing out rejecting someone else being in charge of how and why they engage in an activity.
These small moments of asserting autonomy are their way of saying, “you are no longer total the boss of me.” As a parent, this can be frustrating and scary all at once. Yet, know that the very reason they push back with you, their parent, versus in other settings is that you are the safe place to try out saying, “no.”
You want them to learn this essential skill and learn how to set boundaries for themselves. Practicing saying “I don’t want to do that” even in the face of great pressure will serve them well later. When the inevitable moment where peers around them are making questionable choices, having learned to say “I don’t want to do that” and walking away is an assest, not a liabilitiy. It just takes time for tweens to learn when and how to do this.
Changing Expectations
Getting older means expectations are different. In early elementary school, kids can show up to a lesson and have made very little progress and still earn lots of praise. This can take the pressure off working through challenging material easier. As they move into the tween years, the expectations increase. Even if you are asking for something very small, like 10 minutes of practicing, practicing means working on assigned material, not just having fun.
While they are learning to balance all of this, their first instinct may be to avoid doing the work. Playing for pleasure – going over songs they’ve mastered, improvising new music – may happen freely. But when it’s time to work on skill development, the not-so-fun and sometimes tedious parts, they may push back and refuse to practice.
It can be easier to say to their teacher “I forgot to practice” or “I didn’t have time this week” than to admit to themselves they are struggling to master new material. The mental effort it takes to work on new skills is also competeing with all of the new things they are learning and interating during the middle school transition. By the time they need to practice, they may be on overload.
Puberty
Hormones are a very real thing for tweens. Not in the over-exaggerated way that is often portrayed in the media where one day your tween goes from your sweet compliant kid to the next being a small Incredible Hulk. But they do play a role in what is happening. They can be a trigger for mood swings and irritability – thus the arguing and pushback may be fueled by feelings that are new to them.
During a neutral moment when your tween is not in the middle of pushing back, ask them what the last pushback was about. Don’t be surprised if their answer is “I don’t know. I was just annoyed for no reason and then I got really angry that you weren’t letting me wait.”
If they don’t know why they are irritable, but from your perspective, you find yourself walking on eggshells before asking or telling them something, there’s a good chance hormones are part of the issue. Keep this in mind and try your best to refrain from matching their tone or mood.
Many Masters
Right as your tween is looking to assert themselves as an autonomous being, they move on to middle school. After years of only having to answer to one primary teacher and a few other additional ones for certain subjects, they are now drowning in accountability to many teachers. In middle school, they may have as many as eight teachers, and this is not including anyone leading extracurricular activities.
It’s a lot.
By the time they are home with you, they may have been told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it so many times over the previous day or week that their heads are spinning. So what seems like an innocent and expected request from you, “Hey, I need you to practice before dinner,” may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The need to be in control or to be able to say “no” to something may land squarely on your request.
Exhaustion
Middle school may mean a much earlier start time to the day than your teen was previous used too. Right at the point where your tweens body clock may be shifting into a need to sleep in later. Moving from class to class – often up and down flights of stairs – takes physical energy. Remembering to bring all of the required materials and assignments, the rules, and culture of each room and navigating each teacher’s personality requires mental energy.
Aging out of the elementary school category often means a later start time for activities. While their younger counterparts’ sessions are scheduled for 4 p.m. and 5 p.m., the middle schoolers find themselves pushed to the 5 p.m., 6 p.m., and even 7 p.m. slots. Routines that have been in place for years, such as family dinner, may be disrupted. And there may be more homework than in the past to be completed.
Lack of rest or chronic exhaustion only serves to ramp up the often already present irritability. Sometimes your tween may legitimately be too tired to practice effectively. Even on weekends, when they may be trying to create space for both physical and emotional rest. Instead of communicating this with a resonable request, you may receive an argument about why, in spite of their having a few free hours, they do not want to carve out twenty minutes of practice time.
Emotional Overload
Middle school is a time of constant changes on many fronts. Old friendships may begin to erode or break completely. New relationships may seem tricky and confusing. Your teen may be struggling with feeling left out if they aren’t able to connect with people they have known for years during the day.
Some middle-schoolers may have their own cell phones for the first time. This may mean access to social media accounts and the flood of new social intactions, rules and culture that is both enticing and confusing. Learning how to have have a good experience on social media and set boundaries is just another developing skill your tweee must now naviage.
Or your tween may be in the group of middle schoolers who do not have their own cell phone. They may suddenly find themselves feeling left out as an increasing amout of communicaton moves to texting and apps for chatting. Learning to remind friends that they aren’t on the group text chain saying to meet at a different corner to walk home may only occur after being inadvertently left behind.
Balancing all of these changes can be challenging. Finding time to maintaing and build new social connections alongside all of their lessons, homework, and other activities may lead emotional overload and exhaustion. Which can lead to your tween pushing back in thier safe place – your home.
What to Do
Don’t Take the Bait
If this is your tween’s first year of middle school, it might be time to calmly take a step back. Do not fall for the invitation to a debate (or an argument) when they push back. Look to see if you can identify any of the above or other factors that may be coming into play.
If this is the first time your tween has ever really said “no” to you telling them to do something, you may find yourself in a debate without even realizing you were heading down this path. Our response when our kids are younger is often to say, “that was not a request” and look at them until they get moving to do what we asked. It may feel jarring the first time they casually – or not so casually – respond with some version of “no.” Getting into a power struggle at the moment will ultimately be counter-productive. You may win the immediate battle but lose the war. The need for autonomy will win whether that means to go to “practice” and never actually pick up their instrument or taking a stand and quitting their instrument even though they actually enjoy it.
Wait a beat and offer up your own version of “That was not a request. But I do know you are getting older so this one time I will let it go. Let’s plan to sit down later and talk about the expectations for practicing now that you are in middle school.”
Acknowledge Your Own Anxiety
When our tweens begin to push back, it’s easy to find ourselves feeling anxious in many ways. It can feel like a threat to our ability to guide our kids on a path we feel is best for them. In our minds, it can become much larger than just “I don’t want to practice right now.” We can be unconsciously off and running on an internal projection into a future of them being lazy, undisciplined and unmotivated – all from one small assertion of independent thought.
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is a normal and expected part of them getting older. They are taking those first few steps away from your guidance at home, in front of you and with an issue that does not have the potential to cause them any grave harm. This is what you want. Look at how this is really a great place to practice saying “No, I don’t want to do that right now” and respond from there.
Give Them Reasonable Control
Feeling in control is one of the most important concerns for your tween. If you are able to give them options of when or how to get things done – with reasonable limits – you may find far less refusal occurring.
For example, perhaps you say, “Ok, you don’t have to practice right now, but it needs to get done before you leave to go to your friends.” Or “You can do it later as long as it’s before 7:30 when your sister goes to bed.”
Avoid comments that take away control such as “Because I said so” or “I know what you need right now better than you.” This will only lead you back down the path of a power struggle and remember, your tween is wired to continue to pursue this battle.
Discuss Expectations
When things are calm, have a conversation with your tween about both your expectations as well as theirs. Ask their opinion of their current practice routine and ask if they see value in practicing. Discuss your point of view and why you have certain expectations regarding their commitment to their instrument. Ask them how your expectations can be met in a way that allows them to do so in their own way.
Decrease Expectations
If you have tried this and getting them to practice is still a struggle, the next step might be to decrease expectations. “Ok, you know what, you do have a lot going on right now and it seems like every time I say it’s time to practice you don’t want to do it. What if I only ask you to practice three times each week and in return, if you haven’t gotten to it and I have to remind you, you promise to do it within an hour?
If you choose to offer to decrease expectations, be sure to set a clear expectation of when and how they will return to the normal level of practice time. This may be a slow increase in time or duration or a date where they know things have to return to previous standards. “You can decrease your practice days until November 1st. Then you must promise me it will go back to normal without argument.”
Take a Break
If you’ve tried to give them more control and practice continues to be a cause of stress, it may be time to offer up a temporary break. “I know things have been crazy busy for you, and we are all adjusting to things. How about we agree that you still go to lessons, but no practicing will be required for four weeks. After that, we should all be more used to the new schedule and practice will be added back as part of your evening routine.
Just as when decreasing expectations, set up clear boundaries and rules around a break. This approach works best if you are sure your tween is invested in their instrument and the pushback isn’t coming from a desire to quit altogethr.
Conclusion
The need for tweens to make decisions for themselves outside of you is the beginning of the process of self-identity. Though it may not seem like it at the moment, when your tween refuses to practice, it’s not out of a desire to drive you crazy. By setting limits for themselves, they are engaging in a critical step in learning to voice their opinions, set limits, and cultivate independence.
If you can stay calm and set appropriate boundaries when faced with an irritated, plaintive, defiant, or belligerent “I don’t want to right now,” your tween will continue to see you as a safe place to explore their identity and find their own voice, without having to say “no” to things they actually enjoy.
